Does anyone know what an anchor is? JO MING AH!!!

FRIDAY

Jerry was meeting up with his cousins/family in the afternoon, so we decided to do the Summer Palace together in the morning then Huay and I would hit up the Silk Market in the afternoon. The Summer Palace was one of many imperial parks that the imperial families frolicked in way back in the day. I mean, if you have nothing to do but sit around and get waited on hand and foot, I can imagine that it would get pretty boring, so you'd need a change of scenery every once in a while. The Silk Market is this wonderful place with lots of knock offs - but its appeal reaches far beyond its merchandise. Just you wait and see.

-At the Summer Palace, it was a beautiful day, and wherever there is water, there are boats. We could not resist the temptation to sing "I'm on a Boat" again, so we got a boat BUT this time... we learned our lesson and got a battery powered boat. I'm glad we did, too, because this lake was 10x bigger.

-There was this bridge with lots of arches, so we decided that it would be fun to go and chill under one of the arches. It was difficult to maneuver because we kept running into the walls. At one point our boat turned sideways - we almost had to pull an Austin Powers move to get out of there (forward.. backward.. forward.. backward.. 100 point turn). We saw this one couple that was trying to copy our little niche idea. Likely they thought it would be a good makeout point. They saw that we were starting to leave so they were lingering to take over our niche. I said oh hellllllssss no and we turned off the boat and waited for them to pass. Suckers! You're welcome China, for preventing one more episode of PDA. (and I thought the Chinese didn't do affection or emotions... I guess the ones we saw were defective Chinapeople...)

-There was billowing smoke off in the distance.. it was really thick and getting more and more by the minute. I was wondering whether or not I should be worried, and in the process passed out and took a nap on the boat. I woke up and the smoke was still there, and I was still undecided on whether or not to be worried. We found out later on that it was a junkyard miles away that caught on fire. Good thing it was miles away, but bad thing we could see it (that meant it was a really, really bad fire... sad)

-We dismounted the boat and Jerry peaced out - apparently while I was in the bathroom, Jerry and Huay witnessed a guy wearing a T-shirt that said: Dusty raped me last night. We're not exactly sure if he knows what the t-shirt says, or what it means.... or that you shouldn't go around wearing shirts that say someone raped you..... Huay imagined that he had some American friends that thought it would be a funny joke to give him that shirt to wear, knowing he wouldn't know the difference.... mean friends, I would think!

-Huay tried one of these weiners that we've been seeing everywhere. I don't really trust them because they're not refrigerated. There are lots of food items that I would think needed to be refrigerated but weren't - it just made me more concerned for what exactly those food items contained (apparently there is no FDA that prevents you from lying on the wrapper.. or at least it's not as stringent as it is here.. interesting)

-More Chinese girls took pictures with some little blonde kids - there are two types of people that are fascinating to them. Blondes. And African Americans. I'm really off in a category of my own because I kinda look Chinese but I have a few things different - maybe that's why I get weird looks and not requests to have my picture taken (though I have caught several people 'stealthily' taking my picture - awk!)

-Finally, Huay and I made our way to the SILK MARKET - after the longest effing cab ride of my entire life (one hour).

-We stopped at a dumpling place across the street to have lunch. Apparently they had 'legendary' dumplings. So of course we had to try this out. The only thing legendary we could see was that we got squirted and scalded by the juice inside the dumplings (hee hee Huay squirted himself in the crotch-ular area... and he was wearing white basketball shorts! what a noob). We thought it would be fitting to add "juicy as fuck" next to "legendary dumplings" as a general warning to other consumers.

-I am SO glad I had some experience shopping/haggling in China before coming to the Silk Market. This place was as much of a clusterfuck as anywhere else (excuse my potty mouth!). These people though were on a whole other level! Let me just detail a few points:

-They try to get your attention verbally "Hello, friend? Hello, lady, you want Gucci? I have Louis Vweeton, Prada, what you want, lady, I get you, come inside have a look!" But I think they got used to people ignoring them (as I had become an expert in ignoring) so they learned to step up their tactics. They would: wave their arms, step into your walking pathway, and even (this is something that you wouldn't ever think of doing in the US) grabbing your arm and pulling you back to their stall! "That's assault, brotha!" (name that movie and get a prize, but you can't play if your name rhymes with Mafsan) One lady went so far to grab my purse (after she grabbed my arm and I whipped it away) and say, "Ohh, this is real leather huh, ohh that is nice..." Um, excuse me, don't touch my shit. Unlike your junk, my junk is real (Fossil, no bigs, but still more exp than any of the knock offs they had!) I could not believe how rough they were in grabbing you and pulling you into their little cubbies!

-I also didn't realize how many friends I had "Hello, friend, I give you good price, just for you." Man, I felt special....... 500 Yuan just for me?! What a steal! (That's like 70 American dollars, wtf... some fools actually started that high, and I countered with 25 Yuan.)

-The crazy thing is, they follow your eyesight. So as I'm walking along, I get a narration of what I'm looking at. "You want pearl earrings? Jade earrings? Jade necklace? Jade pendant? Silver earrings? Silver necklace? Watches?" And then disappointment as I reached the end of their stall, but no worries, I had a new narrator in the next stall.

-Huay and I noticed that you immediately know whether or not you got a good deal by how excited the sellers are when you are paying/leaving. Most of the people I bought stuff from were very sad, disappointed, even angry as I happily handed over 10% of their initial asking price. At one point, Huay pointed out some shoes and asked how much I would pay for them. I said, 40 Yuan. He said he saw a few American teenage boys with their dad pay 300 Yuan for those same shoes. If they were actually real, the shoes would cost about $150 American. But you have to keep in mind, these are knock offs, AND this is China. So you can't think in American dollars (especially since they'll likely fall apart about 2 or 3 wears later). Huay said the lady was SO incredibly happy while making the sale - because she knew she had suckered them real good.

-When we were walking through the stalls for purses and such, most of the sellers targeted me (Lady, Hello, Lady) but a few also called out to Huay. One in particular kept trying to sell him a wallet/belt. The belt part was humorous because Huay was wearing his usual basketball shorts - which obv didn't need a belt. What she didn't know was that is mostly what Huay wears all the time - in which case he would rarely need a belt, let alone a knockoff brand belt. He has been known to put on MY belt(s) and big floppy hat, but that's a story for another time....

-Apparently when we split up and Huay went to go sit down, this same lady popped her head around the corner and saw him and tried selling him a belt... again. He finally said no thanks so she asked him, "Where is your girlfriend?" (meaning me) and as he was trying to explain that I wasn't his girlfriend, she asked, "Where is your girlfriend from?" He started to say, She's not my girlfriend! But just decided he could get rid of her easier by just saying "Ilan" (Iran in Chinese). She, along with quite a few others, thought I was from Spain! After commenting on that, she returned to sell-mode and said, "Buy your girlfriend Gucci wallet, make her love you more." He said no and tried to run away but couldn't find anywhere to run away to and just sat back down. I just about died laughing when Huay told this story to me. See what happens, Matt, when you don't come to China with me!!!

-So, we were wanting to get Emily a "nautical themed pashmina afghan" as it is used in the song "I'm on a Boat." There were scarves everywhere and I figured a few of them would have a sailing theme with some anchors or something. This proved to be the most entertaining point of our trip to the Silk Market. So of course we start looking and get attacked by like 4 sellers at once saying, "Hello, lady (or friend to Huay), what color you want, I find it for you, hello, lady!" And we were trying to explain that it wasn't really a color.... but they wouldn't leave us alone so we were like Fine. Do you know what an anchor is? -- Blank stare -- What color you want, I find it for you! It's almost like they're programmed on repeat, and if something doesn't fit their protocol, they just revert back to what they know. So we thought it was so humorous to get them off our backs by just asking, Do you know what an anchor is? And confusing the hell out of them. We started walking up and down the stalls and yelling above their "hello lady" - "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT AN ANCHOR IS? We'll buy something now? Jo ming ah we need an anchor!" (Jo ming ah = what I was taught before I left if I ever got lost - it basically means "help me" or "save my life" -- obviously not needed in this situation, but added to the hilarity).

-That reminds me of one of my favorites about China that I'll miss -- speaking openly right in front of people and having them not understand a word you're saying. Especially when that word is anchor.

-At another point in the day, we haggled for these 3D cube art thingys. I wanted to get 2 for 100 Yuan total which I thought was more than reasonable for them. I started much lower than 100 and haggled up - she got to 110 and would not budge, and neither would I, so we walked away. What felt like a long time later (Huay said it was only a few minutes, but I had completely forgotten about that lady) we were at another stall and I saw someone running up. There are sellers constantly running back and forth to get stock from other places and for who knows what other reasons. So I kind of stepped to the side and kept walking but she ran straight towards me and tapped me on the back and said, out of breath, "ok ok I give you" and turned and went back to her stall. I was really confused because I had haggled and walked away on alot of things and I couldn't remember which one she was from. I started laughing and so did she because I think she realized how crazy she was, running wildly down the aisle to get to us! I guess she had talked to someone (maybe a higher up, or maybe a neighbor seller) who told her to just give it to us for 10 Yuan less... moral of the story - they'll eventually give in, if you strategically use the walk away strategy.

-It also might have been the end of the day.. we had haggled on some ninja stars for Huay earlier. We wanted 20 Yuan each (considering they were just a novelty, we thought that was plenty), but she insisted that they were stainless steel and very good quality. Um, who gives a shit, it's not like he's using them to actually KILL someone - yes I want your highest quality ninja stars I am planning a joint murder/burglary tomorrow and I need your best items. I guess it's that whole repeating programming thing - everything is "best quality" even if it's just a novelty item. We ended up walking away and going all the way around and back again.. we didn't even realize we were back at her stall until she saw us and immediately said "Ok ok I give you" and started packaging them up - again, it took us a couple minutes to realize what was going on.


-We didn't get back from the Silk Market until about 8, and we headed over to Huay's uncle's apt where his aunt had cooked dinner (they had already eaten). It was so delicious! And lots of veggies which I was happy to see. She had made some broccoli which she said she just stir fried with garlic and oil, but there seemed to be some other secret ingredient in there that made it so delicious. I tried to get it out of her but no dice. Perhaps it's the China smog.

-We hung out there for a little while, used the internet - Huay's aunt gave me this cute little decoration piece - it was really nice of her to give me that little gift! I think you hang it on door knobs, I saw a few around their place. They sorta reminded me of my family: their fridge was stocked with more veggies and fruits than I've seen in all of China (exagg) & they sent Huay off with what he describes as "the largest apple in the history of agriculture." All in all a lovely night.. headed back to the hotel, met up with the littlest Dong and watched tv for a while in my room. I passed out and don't remember the boys leaving.....